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Puns approved by Van Snyder

Puns from Van Snyder

These puns have not been approved by anyone for anyone -

January 22, 2010, Van Snyder sent the following puns to his list of friends/victims -

I am posting them here because Van refused to pay me "hush money". ;-))

  1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

  2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

  3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

  4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with violating the Mann Act ... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

  5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

  6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

  7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

  8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

  9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

  10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Still reading? You have no taste !!

As an encore/postscript/afterward/afterword/chaser/...

Did you know that Cab Calloway was a mathematician?

He knew that the derivative of Hi(Ho) is dHi/dHo.

Q. What would be the offspring if a mountain climber were to marry Typhoid Mary?
A. None: you can't cross a scalar with a vector.

Puns unapproved by Van Snyder

Puns not necessarily approved

by Van Snyder

The following puns drifted in from the Internet

have not been approved by Van Snyder.
I (Ed Thelen) included them because I understood them and thought they were funny ;-))

International Pun Contest

via T Favero
The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

  1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

  2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

  7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

  8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

  9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.------No pun in ten did

Another dose of puns from Van Snyder - This guy has no mercy !! Aug 2010

  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

  • Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

  • Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

  • What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Even dire threats don't work :-(( Feb 2015
Van sent this

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which
lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very
committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a
form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the
family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using
their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the
dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather
in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

[Thanks to J4J]
To which I replied

I'm going to go down to LA,
  and make Carrie Nation
  look like a piker  !!

Or show ISIS how it really should be done -

As if there weren't too many laws already,
   "there oughta be a law"
preventing/punishing such outrageous tales.

To which he fearlessly/foolishly replied

  1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

  3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

  21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

  23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

  24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

  26. A ruler, compass, and protractor were confiscated from a math teacher at the airport. They were considered to be weapons of math instruction.

Gads! Now in pictures :-(( - Sept 2018

Is this Van's idea of a Christmas gift? ?? Dec 2019
And the Grand Finale ? Well, no ...
This came 4 hours before midnight
December 31, 2019

OK, There seems an infinite supply - this SHOULD be the last ! 2021-11-18
For years now, Van has been sending me puns, bunches maybe twice a month.
He seems to enjoy me complaining, groaning, shaking my fist, and suffering in too many ways.
I have been protecting you all, somewhat.
NOW, I think I promise to be good - and stop here !!

I always preferred the English spelling of "diarrhea" which is "diarrhoea"
because it really looks like you've lost control of your bowels.

And the remainder won't get it.
Are you a pun devisor?

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